One year ...

Well, today is the one year anniversary of saying goodbye to my boy. I can't believe it has been a year. In some ways, it seems like he has been gone for a lifetime, and in other ways, it seems like I just said goodbye to him yesterday.

I miss his smell ... the feel of his fur on my face ... his constant presence in our home. I still miss him so much. We have talked about the possibility of getting another dog, but neither of us are ready. To be completely honest, I don't know if I will ever be ready. As much joy and happiness as he brought to my life, I don't know if I can bear the thought of going through the pain of losing another dog. It was heartwrenching, and I am still not over it. I still get choked up whenever I see a golden retriever that looks like him. Sometimes when I am sitting alone in my quiet house and see his box on the mantle, I still get teary. I can't bear to go anywhere near his vet's office. We had to take our cat to the vet a few times this year, and I always made Brian do it. I just can't go back there.

The changing of the seasons this year has been sad. When the last snow of winter melted and spring arrived, I missed seeing him in the backyard, rolling in the grass and breathing in the fresh spring air. When spring turned to summer, I missed taking him for rides in the car (with the windows down and his head out the window, of course!), walks on the beach, and swims in the lake. When summer turned to fall, I reminisced about dressing him up as a turtle last year for his last Halloween. We had our first snowfall last week, and it really made me miss him. He loved going outside and making snow angels in the yard. He was definitely a snow dog. I am used to looking out the windows and seeing pawprints all over the yard. Now, the snow is too perfect ... no pawprints at all.

Over the past week, I have often thought about the fact that a year ago, we had no idea that we were in the midst of Tucker's last days. I mean, we knew that he was sick and that he didn't have much longer, but we never knew when he would go. The thing about this cancer is that they are fine until they aren't, and when they start to go, it happens very quickly. I remember every detail of his last 24 hours of life, and I relive it in my mind way more often than I would like to. The memory of our last visit to the vet and watching him take his last breath still haunts me. I don't think the vivid details of that day will ever leave me.

It has been difficult for me to get in the Christmas spirit this year, since we lost him so close to Christmas. I remember that Christmas last year was very sad. We spent it at the lake with my family. As difficult as it would have been to lose him at any time, it seems especially sad that it was so close to Christmas. I feel like I am always going to associate Christmas with losing the best dog I have ever known.

So, today will be a nostalgic, sentimental, sad day for Brian and me. I still can't believe a whole year has passed. I sure do miss my Tucker ...

Springtime

I've been missing my boy a lot lately, with the beautiful Spring weather upon us. It is still very difficult for me to walk out in our backyard, since that is where Tucker spent so much of his happy time. His "roly poly" spots in the grass are fading and being replaced with lush green grass, which makes me sad. I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since he left us. It seems like so much longer since I last felt his soft fur or heard him breathing. We have pictures of him all over our house, and his box of ashes is on the mantle above our fireplace. I can still feel his spirit all over the house.

I read a touching pet loss poem today and thought I would share it:


Why?
That's what we ask.
The truth is, we may never
be able to know for sure why.

But we do know that there is no single
"should have done"or "could have done"
or "did" or "didn't do"
that would have changed that why.

All that love could do was done.

remembering ...

I am sorry for the lack of updates. Guess there isn't much to say since Tucker has been gone. I can't believe it has been almost two months since we said goodbye. In a way, it seems like it was just yesterday, and in another way, it feels like he has been gone for years. We are surviving. We have good days and sad days. I think that once the weather starts to get nice, it is going to be a new adjustment period all over again. Tucker loved to "roly poly" in the grass (that is, roll around on his back with a huge smile on his face), and once the grass comes back in the spring, it will be hard to look out in the backyard and not see him "roly polying" or see his "roly poly" spots in the grass.

People keep asking us when we are going to get another dog. We have talked about it, but I don't think we are ready yet. He was just such a perfect dog. I think we are both scared of being disappointed (though I know that could never really happen) and comparing every little thing to Tucker. Our hearts are full of love, though, and I would like to think that we will get another dog one of these days.

I have lots of pictures that I need to scan and post here ... just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it. Hopefully in the next couple months.

Just wanted to mention another beautiful golden retriever who lost his battle with hemangiosarcoma on 2/17. His name was Spencer, and he was a therapy dog in California. I am including a link to his blog here ... it is well worth checking out. Our thoughts and condolences go to Spencer's mom and dad, as we know the pain and sadness they are feeling.

Two weeks later ...

I picked up Tucker's ashes on Friday (1/2). It was very, very hard. I started crying even before I pulled into the vet's parking lot. Memories of taking Tucker there for the last time flooded my mind. Walking in the front door of the office was sad, as I remembered all the times I took Tucker there. He always loved going to the vet. How many dogs can say that?? He always had a big smile on his face, and everyone at the office loved him. He was never afraid to be there. The vets and staff were always so gentle with him, and I think that really helped him have good experiences there.

When I walked inside, there were a couple people at the front desk. They recognized me and were very kind. One of the vets (Dr. Fu) came out and said how sorry he was that Tucker was gone. He gave me Tucker's ashes in a beautiful wooden box. He also gave me a beautiful clay pawprint (called a ClayPaw) that they got after we left Tucker on his last day. Seeing that pawprint really made me lose it. I just kept picturing them pressing his beautiful paw into the clay after he had already passed. I am so thankful that they gave us that gift. I will always treasure it.

I said goodbye to everyone and left. My heart was breaking all over again. I sat in my car and cried for awhile before I headed home. The ClayPaw still needed to be baked. I was glad that the vet didn't bake it, because I wanted to put Tucker's name and maybe some type of little trinket in it. I just baked it tonight. We have Tucker's box and the ClayPaw on the mantle above our fireplace in our great room. Brian likes to talk to the box in the silly voice that he always used when he talked to Tucker. It is pretty sweet.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I believe in my heart that Tucker sent us a sign on Christmas Eve. We were in the car, driving up to the lake house. It was about 5:15 PM, and it was starting to get dark. It was a grey, dreary day, with a very thick cloud cover. All of a sudden, I got this very strong feeling that Tucker was in the car with us. I felt like he was right behind me, with his head near my shoulder. I even turned around in my seat to make sure he wasn't in the backseat. Then, at that moment, a bright, brilliant orange sunset broke through the clouds in the western sky. It was one of the most amazing, surreal moments I have ever experienced. I felt such a sense of peace and calmness at that moment. I truly believe that Tucker was letting us know that he was okay and that he had arrived safely. I will never forget that moment.

It has been two weeks and one day since Tucker left us. Our house is still too quiet and empty, but we are surviving. Tucker is on my mind and in my heart all the time, and I still cry quite a bit, but I will say that the pain is not quite as raw as it was. I feel that Tucker would want us to be happy and smile when we think of him. I'm not quite there yet, but I believe that I will be one day.

One week later ...

Well, it has been one week since we helped Tucker cross the Bridge. It has been a very emotional week. The pain of losing him is worse than I ever could have imagined. We were at the lake house with my family for Christmas. It was nice to get away from our house for a few days, because it is difficult to be in our house without Tucker. We had a quiet, peaceful Christmas, and thought about Tucker so much. Molly (my parents' golden retriever) seemed mopey while we were there, and I'm sure she was confused about why Tucker wasn't there with us.

Our vet's office called this afternoon to let us know that Tucker's ashes are ready for us to pick up. It was very difficult for me to hear that. I wasn't quite prepared for that phone call today. We will probably go pick them up tomorrow, and I'm sure that will be a very emotional trip. Going back to the place where we left him, and picking up all that remains of him is going to be really difficult. I wrote a thank you note to our vets, and I included a picture of Tucker in the envelope. I will take that with me when we pick up the ashes.

I have been thinking about all of the things that I miss about Tucker. Here are a few of them:

• I miss the sweet smell of his fur
• I miss rubbing his ears
• I miss watching him "roly poly" (roll around on his back) in the backyard ... that was one of the things that brought him so much joy
• I miss hearing him bark at the mailman and delivery men
• I miss hearing him snore at night
• I miss walking in the door and seeing him standing there, so happy to see me, with a toy in his mouth and his whole body wagging
• I miss the way he would sit right next to us when we would eat dinner at the coffee table, just waiting for a bite of something
• I miss the way he loved to eat corn, right off the cob
• I miss his big, soft paws
• I miss his faded nose
• I miss those big, beautiful, brown eyes
• I miss the fluffy lion mane fur on his chest
• I miss hearing him sigh with contentment
• I miss the way he barked at dogs and cats on TV
• I miss his smiles
• I miss his bicycle kick when we scratched "the spot" on his chest
• I miss laying next to him and listening to him breathe
• I miss saying "Gimmie a kissie" and having him kiss my cheek ... he gave the best kisses
• I miss hearing him drink water
• I miss giving him treats ... he sure did love his treats, and he always took them out of our hands so gently
• I miss taking him swimming ... he absolutely loved to swim
• I miss watching him make snow angels in the snow ... he loved the snow!
• I miss taking him in the car and having the windows down ... he loved nothing more than riding in the car with his head out the window
• I miss watching him run around in circles in the backyard like a mad man when he got really, really excited
• I miss buying him new toys ... he always got so excited when I would come home with one
• I miss watching him play with kids ... he was so gentle with them
• I miss having him lay on the floor next to me when I am on the computer
• I miss his whine when he was really excited
• I miss having a sweet dog who was always happy to see me, never got upset with me, and loved every minute of his life
• I miss knowing that no matter what else was going on my life, he always made me smile
• I miss sharing my time on earth with Tucker ...

My Dad brought a book for me to read during Christmas. It was a really good book, and I definitely recommend it for all dog lovers and especially those who have had to say goodbye to a beloved dog. It is called Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish, by Mark Levin. It was a quick read, and it was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. Reading the book was very therapeutic for me, and there were several parts of the book that I feel like I could have written myself. I wrote down a couple of really good quotes from the book, and I thought I would share them:

"No time on earth is long enough to share with those we love or to prepare our hearts for goodbye."

"Dogs give us so much joy. They never fail us when even the people we love the most disappoint us in some way."

Goodbye, my sweet, beautiful boy ...

I have been dreading the day when I would have to write this entry. We helped Tucker cross the Bridge this morning. He continued to get worse through the night, and by this morning, his belly was distended, and he could no longer stand up or even lift his head. What a heartbreaking sight that was. We both stayed close to him through the night, almost hoping that he would pass peacefully in his sleep. I called the vet right at 7:30 when they opened this morning, and they told us to come in at 9:15. So, we spent about an hour being close to him and taking in as much of him as we could. Then, Brian got a piece of plywood and layed some towels on it. Our next-door neighbor came over and he and Brian lifted Tucker onto the board. We wrapped a sheet around him and the board to secure him. They carried him out to my car. I drove, and Brian layed in the back next to Tucker (we folded the seats up and put them up against the front seats, so the whole back was open). It seemed like such a long drive to the vet.

When we got there, they brought out a gurney and helped get Tucker onto it. He didn't even lift up his head through all of that. They put us in a room as soon as we got inside. There are three vets in the practice, and we really like all of them. Fortunately, our favorite vet was the one who was with us today. She came in the room and reassured us that we were doing the right thing, because Tucker was not doing well. His gums and tongue were almost the color of his teeth at that point. His eyes looked so tired. Brian and I both knew we had made the right decision when Tucker didn't even flinch when Dr. Douglas used the clippers to shave his paw where the IV needed to go in. He has always been terrified of clippers and always put up a fight when they were turned on. She gave us some of the fur that she shaved off, and she also cut off a tuft of his hair on his ear (it was our favorite hair - so curly!) for us to keep. She inserted the IV catheter and told us that she would give us some time to say our goodbyes.

Then, it was just Brian, Tucker and me. We both said our goodbyes and gave Tucker lots of kisses. I buried my face in his neck because I wanted to smell him one last time. After a few minutes, Brian let Dr. Douglas know that we were ready. She came in and explained what would happen. She would inject some anesthesia (like they use for surgery), which would help Tucker not feel anything. He would become very groggy and out of it at that point, but he would still be able to hear us. Then, she would inject saline, and follow that with a medication to stop his heart. We told her we were ready. She injected everything, and I heard Tucker take his last breath - a soft grunt. I knew he was gone at that point. Dr. Douglas listened to his heart with a stethoscope and confirmed that he had passed. An overwhelming sadness came over me at that moment. My boy was gone. I kissed him and rubbed his paws. He was getting cold already. He looked so peaceful --- just like he was sleeping. We had his favorite blanket on him, to keep him warm. Dr. Douglas hugged us and talked to us for a little while. She was so gentle and kind. Then, she told us to take as much time with him as we wanted, and then we could leave. We said our last goodbyes and walked out of the room. Leaving that room was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wanted him to trot out of there with me, just as he had done every other time we had been there. Not this time. We walked to the car and drove home.

Walking into the house was so sad. Tucker should have been standing there, waiting for us with a smile on his face, a toy in his mouth, and his whole body wagging. We walked around the house and saw all of his toys, the towel he layed on all night last night, his bed, little tufts of his fur ... it was so painful. We were not ready to let him go. Then again, we never would have been ready. He was the most amazing dog. He taught us so much in his 9 years with us. I feel so proud to be his mama. He made our lives so happy and full. There will never be another dog like him. I still feel like I can hear him breathing or walking around the house. I keep waiting to hear him climb the steps and come sit next to me when I'm on the computer. My heart hurts. I knew this was going to be awful, but I couldn't have imagined how painful it really would be. There is such an emptiness now. He was such a huge part of us. He was just a puppy when we built our house back in June 2000. This whole house is him. There are constant reminders of him everywhere we look. I will love him and miss him every day for the rest of my life.

We decided to have Tucker cremated and have the ashes returned to us. That way, he will always be with us. Back in July when I thought we were going to lose him, I found a wonderful woman on the internet who makes custom pet memory boxes. They are beautiful. She uses stained glass, crystals, pictures of the pet ... anything we want. I am going to contact her in the next few weeks to make a box for us. There is a place in the box to put the ashes, and then they are sealed in there. It will be nice to have that to look at whenever we want. I am so glad that we took so many pictures of him over the years. We have been looking through all of the old pictures quite a bit today. I am glad that Brian stayed home from work ... I would not have wanted to be alone today. He has been cleaning like crazy since we got home ... I guess that is his way of keeping busy. I, on the other hand, haven't felt like doing much. I have been on the computer quite a bit, reading wonderful emails from friends and loved ones who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We will survive, but it is going to be hard for awhile. I just need to keep reminding myself that Tucker lived a long (though not long enough), happy life, and that he is no longer suffering. I would like to think that he is running free and playing with all of the other beloved dogs that passed before him. His body is no longer with us, but his beautiful spirit will be right here with us forever.

Not good ...

I haven't posted in awhile mainly because Tucker has been doing so well. That all changed today. He has been fading quickly since this afternoon. Around 1:00 this afternoon, I noticed a change in his eyes. I let him outside, and he immediately walked into the grass and layed down ... not a "roly-poly, happy roll around on my back" lay down, but an "I'm sick and I need to lay down" lay down. I knew right away that something was wrong. I had to go outside and coax him to come back in, and I finally got him back inside. He layed down again as soon as I got him inside. I looked at his gums and tongue, and they were extremely pale ... almost white. My heart sank, as I knew this meant he was having an active bleed. This hasn't happened since before his splenectomy in July. He seemed pretty comfortable at that point, albeit weak and lethargic. Brian and I took turns laying with him on the floor, trying to comfort him. A few hours after that, the panting began. He couldn't seem to get comfortable. He has used all of his energy to climb up on the couch a couple times, to be close to Brian, but he still doesn't seem comfortable.

I wish he could tell us if he is hurting. I wish he could tell us if he doesn't want to fight anymore and that it is time for us to help him cross the Bridge. My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces. I feel so helpless, knowing that there is nothing I can do to make this better. We have gone back and forth about whether or not we should take him to the emergency vet, but we ultimately decided not to. I think all they can do is confirm that he is bleeding internally, and then the decision will be ours. If we have to help him cross the Bridge, I want to do that with our regular vet, who has taken care of Tucker since he was 8 weeks old. I have been spending a lot of time laying close to him, burying my face in his fur. I am trying to take him in as much as I can --- his smell, the feel of his soft fur on my face, the sound of his heart beating, and the sound of him breathing. I want to etch those things permanently in my mind so I can relive them when he is no longer with us.

I guess we will see how the night goes and make some sort of decision in the morning. I knew this day was coming, but I will never be ready to let my boy go. Tucker has been the most wonderful, loving dog. I wish I could have 50 more years with him. I am not ready to say goodbye. I don't want him to suffer, though. If it is his time, I will help him go. More later ...

Halloween Weekend 2008

We took Tucker to cousins Abby, Charlie, and Allison's house in Gahanna for trick-or-treating on Friday (Halloween) night. I ordered an adorable turtle costume online for Tucker. :) He looked really cute in it, but didn't seem very thrilled to have it on. So, it wasn't on for long. We did get a few pictures of him in it before we took it off, though. :)






Then, we headed to the lake house on Saturday morning to celebrate Mom's, Heather's, and Brian's birthdays. We had a fun, relaxing weekend! I took a few cute pictures of Tucker and Molly (Mom and Dad's golden) watching intently as Brian ate a sandwich. :)








One more picture ... silly Tucker hanging out on the couch at the lake house this weekend.




We also got some very good news today. Tucker had a suspicious purple lump removed from his side last Thursday (10/30). After removing the lump, Dr. Halliday (our vet) was pretty certain that it was malignant, and that the hemangiosarcoma has spread. We were very sad to hear this. He sent the lump away to the pathologist to confirm his suspicions. Dr. Halliday called me late this afternoon to give me the great, though unexpected, news that the pathology report revealed that the lump was just a benign hemangioma! Hooray!! So, it appears that the cancer is NOT spreading! All of the positive thoughts and energy must be working!! We are going to continue with all of the supplements and the low-carb diet, and will continue to keep a close watch on all of Tucker's lumps and bumps. We will follow up with a chest x-ray in January to see how Tucker's lungs look at that point. Let's hope that things will continue to go well! We would love lots and lots of positive thoughts and energy from everyone! :)

Some new pictures ...

We got some good pictures of Tucker this weekend. A few pictures are in front of the bright red burning bush in our backyard, and the rest are of Tucker and Brian on our deck. Enjoy! :)

Puppy pictures

We were going through some old pictures last weekend and found some great pictures from Tucker's puppyhood. :)



Tucker worried me a bit this week ... there were a couple of times when he didn't eat much of his dinner, which is completely NOT Tucker. He lives for food, and he loves the concoctions that we mix up for his breakfast and dinner. He normally inhales everything in his bowl in about a minute or two. So, of course I was really worried when he didn't seem interested in his food. After I discovered the broken open (by teeth) shell of an antibiotic capsule on the floor by his food, I put two and two together. We've been mixing his antibiotic pills (for his skin infection ... see previous blog entry) in with his food, and up until a couple days ago, he didn't seem to notice. He must have bitten into one of the capsules, and I'm sure it tasted awful. So, I've been giving him those pills with a spoonful of peanut butter instead. I am very relieved that the problem is solved, and there wasn't really anything to worry about.

Stay tuned next week ... Tucker and I are meeting some friends from nursing school and their doggies at a dog park next Thursday ... I will post pictures from the fun day!

Also, Tucker is going to be the most adorable turtle dog ever for Halloween. I found the cutest furry turtle costume for him! We are taking him to Brian's brother's house for trick-or-treating with Abby, Charlie, and Allison (our nieces and nephew) on Halloween night. I will post pictures from that, too!

Have a good weekend! :)

Enjoying fall!

Tucker is still doing great! I took him to our regular vet today for his semiannual senior wellness exam. Dr. Halliday took a chest x-ray to compare to the one taken right before his spleen was removed in July. It looks like the mass in his lungs is still there and has gotten a little bigger, and there may be a smaller second mass, too. He was pleased with the x-ray, though. He said that hemangiosarcoma metastasis usually shows up as many masses in the lungs, so Tucker is stable right now. His heart (another potential site for metastasis) looks good, too. He has a purple lump (about the size of a walnut) on his side that has gotten steadily bigger over the last few months. Dr. Halliday recommended removing it sooner rather than later, because the bigger it gets, the more difficult it will be to remove. He suspects that it may be related to the cancer (because of the color), but doesn't know for sure. He also felt an enlarged lymph node in Tucker's back left leg, which is strange. He wasn't overly concerned since none of the other lymph nodes are enlarged. Tucker has a mild skin infection (common in golden retrievers, especially during fall allergy time), so he is now on an antibiotic for two weeks. He has seemed especially itchy the last few weeks, so I'm glad that we now have something to make that better.

I scheduled an appointment for him to have the purple lump removed in two weeks (just local anesthesia), and Dr. Halliday will recheck the lymph node at that time. If it's still enlarged, he will aspirate it and check the fluid to see what is going on. Hopefully it is nothing, and the antibiotic may even cause it to shrink back to normal size. All in all, Dr. Halliday is very pleased that Tucker is doing as well as he is. He said that he has a couple of other golden retriever patients who also have hemangiosarcoma, and they are 1-2 years post-splenectomy and still doing great. So, that is encouraging.

We went up to the lake house last weekend with Mom, Dad, and Tucker's Aunt Heather, and Tucker and Molly (Mom and Dad's golden) got to swim and go for a long walk. Tucker must be really out of shape (we don't walk him as much anymore because we don't want to wear him out), because he has been pretty sore all week. :( He had so much fun swimming, though!

Guess that's about it for now. We're enjoying this beautiful fall weather, and Tucker enjoys being outside and rolling around in the grass, especially now that the weather has cooled off a bit.

No news is good news ...

Sorry for the lack of updates lately! Life has been really busy, and Tucker has been doing great. He's had a few more acupuncture sessions, and has another one tomorrow afternoon. I have found a few lumps on him that I'm a bit concerned about, but it's hard to tell if they're just his normal lipomas (fatty benign masses) or if they're hemangiosarcoma-related. So, I will ask the holistic vet about them tomorrow. I'm not sure that there's anything that can be done about them, but it will give me peace of mind just to ask about them.

Brian bought Tucker a couple of raw beef bones at our favorite pet store this weekend, and Tucker has been going crazy chewing on them. He can lay out in the grass in the backyard for hours and just chew on a bone! :)

Brian and his mom (Tucker's Nana) took Tucker swimming at a local park last weekend. As always, Tucker had a blast swimming ... I think he would live in the water if he could! Here are a few pictures.

Our holistic experience

I took Tucker to see Dr. Griffith, a holistic vet in Worthington, on Monday. He said that he works with people who choose to do chemotherapy for their dogs, and those who choose not to do chemo. I told him that we are not going to do chemo, since there are just too many unknowns and possible bad side effects. He said that he has seen goldens with hemangiosarcoma live for 2+ years with holistic interventions. He prescribed some supplements for Tucker to help with his immune system and keep his blood levels high. He also prescribed a Chinese herbal medicine called yunnan paiyao, which helps with circulation and helps stop the bleeding episodes that can happen with hemangiosarcoma. I've heard very good things about this particular herbal medicine.

Dr. Griffith also performed acupuncture on Tucker. Now, I will say that I have never had acupuncture, and while I have heard good things about it, I have always been a bit skeptical. No more. As soon as he was done inserting all of the needles (which Tucker tolerated extremely well, by the way), Tucker immediately layed down and fell asleep. He had been a bit anxious being in a new place, and was panting quite a bit. After the needles went in, his breathing slowed down to a much calmer rate. The vet tech turned on soft classical music, turned off the lights, and left us in the room for about a half hour. Tucker slept the entire time. It was amazing how much the acupuncture calmed him!! Dr. Griffith also said that it would help boost his immune function, which is very important when dealing with cancer. We are going back next Monday to take blood work results from our regular vet, and maybe for another acupuncture session. Dr. Griffith said that the supplements that he has given Tucker cannot hurt him and can only help him. The same cannot be said for chemo. I feel like this is the right thing for Tucker, and my hope is that this will help keep him healthy for months, and maybe even years!! He is doing great right now.

Look closely, and you can see the acupuncture needles in his back.

Big smile for the camera!

High five, Mom! :)

Holistic vet

Well, I have been searching Columbus for a holistic vet, and I found 3. I chose the one who has been in practice the longest, and called this morning to make an appointment. His name is Dr. Donn Griffith, and he has been in practice since 1970. He is a board-certified veterinarian, and has undergone advanced training in acupuncture and other alternative and complementary therapies. I like his philosophy of an “integrated approach to pet healthcare”. He combines alternative medicine with conventional medicine. Some holistic vets reject conventional Western medicine and only use alternative Eastern medicine. Dr. Griffith combines both types for the best possible outcome.

When we first found out that Tucker had cancer, I searched online and found two Yahoo! groups of dog owners facing cancer with their babies. One of the groups is specifically for hemangiosarcoma dogs. I have heard from so many people that holistic medicine has been very effective for those who choose not to go the chemotherapy route (and some who do choose chemo still see holistic vets, for a whole-body approach to the cancer), so that's why I made this appointment. I have read about some very effective herbal medicines that help stop cancer spread, help with liver function, and most importantly, stop internal bleeding when any of those microscopic tumors start to bleed. I figured that it can't hurt to go see this vet, and after speaking with him on the phone when I called to make the appointment, I think I am making the right decision. I am taking Tucker to see him on Monday morning. I will update after the appointment.

Appointment with the oncologist ...

So we met with Dr. Fulton, a veterinary oncologist, yesterday afternoon. She explained Tucker's x-rays to us, and pointed out a golf ball-sized mass in one of his lungs. She said that it's possible that the mass has been there his whole life, and is benign. It is also possible that it could be cancerous and completely unrelated to the hemangiosarcoma. She didn't think it was related to the hemangiosarcoma, because lung metastasis from HSA usually involves lots and lots of tumors, not just one. When she examined Tucker, she felt a few lumps on his side and one on his ear that she was concerned about. She also said that his abdomen felt a little "full", meaning that there may be cancer metastasis there as well. We got to see his splenic tumor on the x-rays (they were taken by our vet before surgery) ... it was huge!!! She also pointed out an enlarged lymph node near his sternum (breastbone), which may indicate cancer spread in his abdomen.

She explained that every time he had an "episode" (a total of 4 times before surgery), the tumor on his spleen was rupturing and bleeding into his abdomen. Not only was it bleeding, but it was also spewing out poisonous cancer cells into his abdomen and who knows where else. That means that it is very likely that there are many, many microscopic tumors all over his body. This was very hard to hear. I keep thinking, what if we had been more aggressive with everything after the very first episode? What if we could have had his spleen removed right then, instead of going through 3 more horrible episodes? The time from his first episode until his spleen removed was almost 3 months. How much damage did the cancer do to his body during this time? This thought process has been eating away at me, because I feel like we somehow have not done everything we could do to keep him healthy. I know that this is irrational, and there is no point in stewing over the past, since there is nothing that can change it. But, I still find myself thinking about this often.

So anyway ... Dr. Fulton explained our options. We can either do chemotherapy, or not do chemotherapy. If we decide to do chemo, he will have 5 treatments, each one 2 weeks apart. It is an outpatient procedure each time, so we would just have to take him to the vet (oncologist, not our regular vet), and they would administer the IV chemo, and we would take him home. She explained that chemo affects dogs very differently than it affects humans. Dogs generally don't experience many of the negative side effects that humans do. There usually isn't much nausea and vomiting (if there is, oral anti-nausea meds work well) and not much hair loss, if any. However, there are plenty of risks. He could become anemic, and this could cause problems. His white blood cell count will likely go way down, meaning that he will be much more prone to infection. This combined with the fact that he no longer has a spleen (which also makes him more prone to infection) would make him extremely susceptible to infection, and an infection could end up taking him. Chemo can also cause heart problems. The chemo itself could kill him if his body doesn't react well to it. Statistically, chemo would extend his prognosis to 6-8 months from date of diagnosis, while surgery alone (which he already had) gives a prognosis of 2-4 months from date of diagnosis. We're leaning towards not doing chemo. While it may give us a few additional months with him, there is no guarantee that he would be feeling great during those months, and there is no guarantee that we would even have those extra months. Plus, would we be doing the chemo for him, or for us? Whatever we end up doing should be in Tucker's best interest. If we choose chemo and he lives for 8 more months, but is sick for 4 of those months (from the chemo), then we have not given him good quality of life. Maybe we should just keep him comfortable until it is his time to cross the Bridge, and just let nature take its course. But would we be somehow shortchanging Tucker by doing this? Who knows? I guess we have some thinking to do.

I found a great blog (thanks to my friend Rochelle) that is written by a cancer vet in Hawaii. One particular recent post really caught my eye. It talks about measuring quality of life in a sick dog and uses a "Joys of Life" scale. It really made me think. Once these "Joys of Life" start to go away, the dog is no longer experiencing good quality of life. Check out the blog entry: http://www.dogcancerblog.com/29/life-quality-in-dog-cancer-dr-dresslers-joys-of-life-scale/

Tucker is still doing great ... eating well, playing a lot, and generally seems like a happy dog. This makes us very happy. We are enjoying every minute with him.

Still doing great!!

Tucker is still doing great. I took him to the vet earlier this evening to have his staples removed. They said that his incision is healing well. I also picked up his x-rays to take to the oncologist. We were supposed to meet with the oncologist (Dr. Fulton at MedVet) tomorrow, but I got a call from the office today. They said that Dr. Foster had to go out of town for a family emergency, so we had to reschedule. The new appointment is next Thursday (8/7). So, hopefully we will have another good week and all will be uneventful until the appointment. Not much else to report. We are just enjoying every minute with our boy and giving him lots and lots of love. I will update again soon.

What I love about Tucker ...

A very kind man who recently lost his beloved Tucker to hemangiosarcoma recommended that I write down everything I love about Tucker, while he is still with us. So, while I can't possibly think of every single thing I love about him right now, I thought I would start with just a few things that come to mind. Here goes:

What I love about Tucker:

*his soft kisses on my cheek
*the way he always has to have something in his mouth (sock, toy, anything) when Brian or I get home
*the way he smells after he has been out in the sun
*the way his paws smell (like Fritos!)
*the way he rolls on his back in the grass and lets us scratch/rub his soft tummy
*I can put a plate of food on the coffee table, right next to where he is sitting, leave the room, and he won't do anything but look at the food and drool
*the snoring-type sound he makes when I scratch under his chin and he is really content
*the way his tongue hangs out of his mouth when he watches us eat
*the way his eyebrows move when I talk to him
*the way he barks at the TV when he sees dogs or other animals on the screen
*the way the whole back half of his body wags when he is happy
*his beautiful paws
*his full, fluffy bib that makes him look like a lion
*the way he looks like Falkor (from the Neverending Story) when he lays with his chin resting on the floor between his front paws
*the pure joy on his face when he gets to stick his head out the window and feel the wind on a car ride
*the pure joy on his face when he gets to go swimming - he is such a water dog!!
*the pure, unconditional love and adoration he has for Brian and me
*the way he has been there for me, every minute of every day of the last 8 years and 8 months, living to make me happy

OK, I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure I'll come up with a whole new list sometime soon.

The news we never wanted to hear ...

We got the dreaded phone call from our vet late yesterday (Monday) afternoon. As soon as I saw the number on caller ID, I just had a sinking feeling in my stomach. As I feared, our sweet boy has hemangiosarcoma, an extremely aggressive cancer of the lining of the blood vessels. Since we have blood vessels throughout our bodies, this means that the cancer can spread anywhere. The vet said that the pathology report confirmed that the splenic tumor was low to intermediate grade, but we don't know yet if the cancer has spread anywhere else. We can only hope that it hasn't. The vet said that we probably only have a matter of months left with our boy, depending on how much the cancer has spread. The vet recommended that we meet with an oncologist to find out how advanced the cancer is, and figure out where to go from here. I have also had several recommendations -from folks who have lost their furbabies to this terrible cancer - to look into meeting with a holistic vet, who will work in conjunction with our oncologist. All of this is very overwhelming, and we feel like we're spinning in circles right now.

The most important thing is that Tucker does not know (and never will know) what hemangiosarcoma is, and he has no idea that he is sick. He is just a happy boy who seems to be feeling great right now. He has had such a good week since the surgery last Monday. He has renewed energy that we haven't seen in months, his appetite is fantastic, and, despite our efforts to keep his activity level at a minimum (to allow him to heal from surgery), he has been running around the backyard and rolling in the grass like a puppy. It is wonderful to see him like this, but it makes it seem so unreal that this ugly cancer beast is wreaking havoc inside his beautiful body. I hate this helpless feeling that there is nothing I can do to stop the cancer. We just need to keep him feeling good for as long as we can, and that's where the oncologist (and holistic vet, maybe) will come in.

We are going to continue enjoying every minute with our boy, and we will take this a day at a time. I will update again soon, after we meet with the oncologist.

Another diversion ... beautiful flowers :)

I know that these pictures are not of Tucker, but this is my only blog, and I thought they were so pretty that I had to share them. These are my most favorite thing in our whole yard ... huge, bright orange daylilies. They are in full bloom right now, and each morning I get to enjoy several new blooms.

A boy and his monkey

My wonderful sister (Tucker's Aunt Heather) bought Tucker this adorable stuffed monkey when we found out about his splenic tumor. This is by far the biggest toy he has ever owned, and he carries it around everywhere. He even got to have it with him when he spent the night at the vet's the night of his surgery (Monday). Hopefully it comforted him while he was there. Enjoy the pictures! :)