Goodbye, my sweet, beautiful boy ...

I have been dreading the day when I would have to write this entry. We helped Tucker cross the Bridge this morning. He continued to get worse through the night, and by this morning, his belly was distended, and he could no longer stand up or even lift his head. What a heartbreaking sight that was. We both stayed close to him through the night, almost hoping that he would pass peacefully in his sleep. I called the vet right at 7:30 when they opened this morning, and they told us to come in at 9:15. So, we spent about an hour being close to him and taking in as much of him as we could. Then, Brian got a piece of plywood and layed some towels on it. Our next-door neighbor came over and he and Brian lifted Tucker onto the board. We wrapped a sheet around him and the board to secure him. They carried him out to my car. I drove, and Brian layed in the back next to Tucker (we folded the seats up and put them up against the front seats, so the whole back was open). It seemed like such a long drive to the vet.

When we got there, they brought out a gurney and helped get Tucker onto it. He didn't even lift up his head through all of that. They put us in a room as soon as we got inside. There are three vets in the practice, and we really like all of them. Fortunately, our favorite vet was the one who was with us today. She came in the room and reassured us that we were doing the right thing, because Tucker was not doing well. His gums and tongue were almost the color of his teeth at that point. His eyes looked so tired. Brian and I both knew we had made the right decision when Tucker didn't even flinch when Dr. Douglas used the clippers to shave his paw where the IV needed to go in. He has always been terrified of clippers and always put up a fight when they were turned on. She gave us some of the fur that she shaved off, and she also cut off a tuft of his hair on his ear (it was our favorite hair - so curly!) for us to keep. She inserted the IV catheter and told us that she would give us some time to say our goodbyes.

Then, it was just Brian, Tucker and me. We both said our goodbyes and gave Tucker lots of kisses. I buried my face in his neck because I wanted to smell him one last time. After a few minutes, Brian let Dr. Douglas know that we were ready. She came in and explained what would happen. She would inject some anesthesia (like they use for surgery), which would help Tucker not feel anything. He would become very groggy and out of it at that point, but he would still be able to hear us. Then, she would inject saline, and follow that with a medication to stop his heart. We told her we were ready. She injected everything, and I heard Tucker take his last breath - a soft grunt. I knew he was gone at that point. Dr. Douglas listened to his heart with a stethoscope and confirmed that he had passed. An overwhelming sadness came over me at that moment. My boy was gone. I kissed him and rubbed his paws. He was getting cold already. He looked so peaceful --- just like he was sleeping. We had his favorite blanket on him, to keep him warm. Dr. Douglas hugged us and talked to us for a little while. She was so gentle and kind. Then, she told us to take as much time with him as we wanted, and then we could leave. We said our last goodbyes and walked out of the room. Leaving that room was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wanted him to trot out of there with me, just as he had done every other time we had been there. Not this time. We walked to the car and drove home.

Walking into the house was so sad. Tucker should have been standing there, waiting for us with a smile on his face, a toy in his mouth, and his whole body wagging. We walked around the house and saw all of his toys, the towel he layed on all night last night, his bed, little tufts of his fur ... it was so painful. We were not ready to let him go. Then again, we never would have been ready. He was the most amazing dog. He taught us so much in his 9 years with us. I feel so proud to be his mama. He made our lives so happy and full. There will never be another dog like him. I still feel like I can hear him breathing or walking around the house. I keep waiting to hear him climb the steps and come sit next to me when I'm on the computer. My heart hurts. I knew this was going to be awful, but I couldn't have imagined how painful it really would be. There is such an emptiness now. He was such a huge part of us. He was just a puppy when we built our house back in June 2000. This whole house is him. There are constant reminders of him everywhere we look. I will love him and miss him every day for the rest of my life.

We decided to have Tucker cremated and have the ashes returned to us. That way, he will always be with us. Back in July when I thought we were going to lose him, I found a wonderful woman on the internet who makes custom pet memory boxes. They are beautiful. She uses stained glass, crystals, pictures of the pet ... anything we want. I am going to contact her in the next few weeks to make a box for us. There is a place in the box to put the ashes, and then they are sealed in there. It will be nice to have that to look at whenever we want. I am so glad that we took so many pictures of him over the years. We have been looking through all of the old pictures quite a bit today. I am glad that Brian stayed home from work ... I would not have wanted to be alone today. He has been cleaning like crazy since we got home ... I guess that is his way of keeping busy. I, on the other hand, haven't felt like doing much. I have been on the computer quite a bit, reading wonderful emails from friends and loved ones who have been so supportive throughout this journey. We will survive, but it is going to be hard for awhile. I just need to keep reminding myself that Tucker lived a long (though not long enough), happy life, and that he is no longer suffering. I would like to think that he is running free and playing with all of the other beloved dogs that passed before him. His body is no longer with us, but his beautiful spirit will be right here with us forever.