Not good ...

I haven't posted in awhile mainly because Tucker has been doing so well. That all changed today. He has been fading quickly since this afternoon. Around 1:00 this afternoon, I noticed a change in his eyes. I let him outside, and he immediately walked into the grass and layed down ... not a "roly-poly, happy roll around on my back" lay down, but an "I'm sick and I need to lay down" lay down. I knew right away that something was wrong. I had to go outside and coax him to come back in, and I finally got him back inside. He layed down again as soon as I got him inside. I looked at his gums and tongue, and they were extremely pale ... almost white. My heart sank, as I knew this meant he was having an active bleed. This hasn't happened since before his splenectomy in July. He seemed pretty comfortable at that point, albeit weak and lethargic. Brian and I took turns laying with him on the floor, trying to comfort him. A few hours after that, the panting began. He couldn't seem to get comfortable. He has used all of his energy to climb up on the couch a couple times, to be close to Brian, but he still doesn't seem comfortable.

I wish he could tell us if he is hurting. I wish he could tell us if he doesn't want to fight anymore and that it is time for us to help him cross the Bridge. My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces. I feel so helpless, knowing that there is nothing I can do to make this better. We have gone back and forth about whether or not we should take him to the emergency vet, but we ultimately decided not to. I think all they can do is confirm that he is bleeding internally, and then the decision will be ours. If we have to help him cross the Bridge, I want to do that with our regular vet, who has taken care of Tucker since he was 8 weeks old. I have been spending a lot of time laying close to him, burying my face in his fur. I am trying to take him in as much as I can --- his smell, the feel of his soft fur on my face, the sound of his heart beating, and the sound of him breathing. I want to etch those things permanently in my mind so I can relive them when he is no longer with us.

I guess we will see how the night goes and make some sort of decision in the morning. I knew this day was coming, but I will never be ready to let my boy go. Tucker has been the most wonderful, loving dog. I wish I could have 50 more years with him. I am not ready to say goodbye. I don't want him to suffer, though. If it is his time, I will help him go. More later ...