One year ...

Well, today is the one year anniversary of saying goodbye to my boy. I can't believe it has been a year. In some ways, it seems like he has been gone for a lifetime, and in other ways, it seems like I just said goodbye to him yesterday.

I miss his smell ... the feel of his fur on my face ... his constant presence in our home. I still miss him so much. We have talked about the possibility of getting another dog, but neither of us are ready. To be completely honest, I don't know if I will ever be ready. As much joy and happiness as he brought to my life, I don't know if I can bear the thought of going through the pain of losing another dog. It was heartwrenching, and I am still not over it. I still get choked up whenever I see a golden retriever that looks like him. Sometimes when I am sitting alone in my quiet house and see his box on the mantle, I still get teary. I can't bear to go anywhere near his vet's office. We had to take our cat to the vet a few times this year, and I always made Brian do it. I just can't go back there.

The changing of the seasons this year has been sad. When the last snow of winter melted and spring arrived, I missed seeing him in the backyard, rolling in the grass and breathing in the fresh spring air. When spring turned to summer, I missed taking him for rides in the car (with the windows down and his head out the window, of course!), walks on the beach, and swims in the lake. When summer turned to fall, I reminisced about dressing him up as a turtle last year for his last Halloween. We had our first snowfall last week, and it really made me miss him. He loved going outside and making snow angels in the yard. He was definitely a snow dog. I am used to looking out the windows and seeing pawprints all over the yard. Now, the snow is too perfect ... no pawprints at all.

Over the past week, I have often thought about the fact that a year ago, we had no idea that we were in the midst of Tucker's last days. I mean, we knew that he was sick and that he didn't have much longer, but we never knew when he would go. The thing about this cancer is that they are fine until they aren't, and when they start to go, it happens very quickly. I remember every detail of his last 24 hours of life, and I relive it in my mind way more often than I would like to. The memory of our last visit to the vet and watching him take his last breath still haunts me. I don't think the vivid details of that day will ever leave me.

It has been difficult for me to get in the Christmas spirit this year, since we lost him so close to Christmas. I remember that Christmas last year was very sad. We spent it at the lake with my family. As difficult as it would have been to lose him at any time, it seems especially sad that it was so close to Christmas. I feel like I am always going to associate Christmas with losing the best dog I have ever known.

So, today will be a nostalgic, sentimental, sad day for Brian and me. I still can't believe a whole year has passed. I sure do miss my Tucker ...