I picked up Tucker's ashes on Friday (1/2). It was very, very hard. I started crying even before I pulled into the vet's parking lot. Memories of taking Tucker there for the last time flooded my mind. Walking in the front door of the office was sad, as I remembered all the times I took Tucker there. He always loved going to the vet. How many dogs can say that?? He always had a big smile on his face, and everyone at the office loved him. He was never afraid to be there. The vets and staff were always so gentle with him, and I think that really helped him have good experiences there.
When I walked inside, there were a couple people at the front desk. They recognized me and were very kind. One of the vets (Dr. Fu) came out and said how sorry he was that Tucker was gone. He gave me Tucker's ashes in a beautiful wooden box. He also gave me a beautiful clay pawprint (called a ClayPaw) that they got after we left Tucker on his last day. Seeing that pawprint really made me lose it. I just kept picturing them pressing his beautiful paw into the clay after he had already passed. I am so thankful that they gave us that gift. I will always treasure it.
I said goodbye to everyone and left. My heart was breaking all over again. I sat in my car and cried for awhile before I headed home. The ClayPaw still needed to be baked. I was glad that the vet didn't bake it, because I wanted to put Tucker's name and maybe some type of little trinket in it. I just baked it tonight. We have Tucker's box and the ClayPaw on the mantle above our fireplace in our great room. Brian likes to talk to the box in the silly voice that he always used when he talked to Tucker. It is pretty sweet.
I forgot to mention in my last post that I believe in my heart that Tucker sent us a sign on Christmas Eve. We were in the car, driving up to the lake house. It was about 5:15 PM, and it was starting to get dark. It was a grey, dreary day, with a very thick cloud cover. All of a sudden, I got this very strong feeling that Tucker was in the car with us. I felt like he was right behind me, with his head near my shoulder. I even turned around in my seat to make sure he wasn't in the backseat. Then, at that moment, a bright, brilliant orange sunset broke through the clouds in the western sky. It was one of the most amazing, surreal moments I have ever experienced. I felt such a sense of peace and calmness at that moment. I truly believe that Tucker was letting us know that he was okay and that he had arrived safely. I will never forget that moment.
It has been two weeks and one day since Tucker left us. Our house is still too quiet and empty, but we are surviving. Tucker is on my mind and in my heart all the time, and I still cry quite a bit, but I will say that the pain is not quite as raw as it was. I feel that Tucker would want us to be happy and smile when we think of him. I'm not quite there yet, but I believe that I will be one day.
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